Seeping Mixed Emotions
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By Melissa Williams

Love me for me. I am strong, emotional, and determined. I am able to get back up when I am down, I am able to control myself when I am scared, I develop tears when everything is destroyed. In my world I build up walls, within my walls are small cracks, within those cracks are my thoughts, emotions and guilt. When it rains my cracks fill up and leak out. I am able to expose myself much more than I would when my cracks are dried. I silence myself from everyone around me because I know my words will never be heard and I hide myself from everything because I know that I’ll never be accepted. People may take that offensively because they only see what they want to see; it’s never about the struggle it took for me to build my confidence. It was only about the mistakes I've made in between and they judge me for it. People stare, whisper to the other ear as if I’m not there; they talk as if they knew me, they judge as if they were perfect themselves. I do have friends. Honestly, I’m well liked by others but my autism and learning disorder aren’t accepted by others in today’s society. Sometimes, I feel stupid at work because I’m so literal to everything. I don't get the things that my co-workers either joke about or talk about even though they assume that I do and that frustrates me. My mistakes are not by choice – they are by accident and my guilt is already enough punishment. But should I be totally out casted or punished for my innocent mistakes? Is being autistic frowned upon by my peers? I hate when others classify autism as a disease or a mental illness. I hate when others ask if they can catch it like a sickness in the air. My emotions and thoughts are no different than those of anyone else in this world. For what you may understand, may take me a little longer to understand.

About the Author

Melissa Williams is in her first year at Columbus State Community College and plans to study forensic science. She is an adult with Asperger’s Syndrome.